All Alone I
by BonesBird
Summary: She hadn't wanted them out there, but she had gone to make him happy. When the unthinkable happens she has to decide what is best for them all.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: All Alone I  
Summary: She hadn't wanted them out there, but she had gone to make him happy. When the unthinkable happens she has to decide what is best for them.**

**This fic was inspired by a scene from ER, and the fact that it's been a month since a little girl I know went missing back in my hometown. The two combined with a song and the three led to this. I apologise massively to Alpha, because she hates when I kill Tom off. Thanks to Kiki, Bev, Ezzie, KJ and (as ever) Icka.**

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The mission wasn't meant to be a dangerous one, but something about it had changed, and it had changed quickly, quicker than she had expected. The stress in her husband's voice was not something she had ever expected to hear. She had never heard that exact strain before, but it was the worst sound she could imagine.

"We need an emergency evacuation." They were the words that grabbed her attention, she hadn't necessarily been paying attention to the hail before that, assuming that it was just the away team checking in. But she suddenly knew that something terrible was happening on the smaller ship.

"As soon as we can Commander, what happened?" The Captain asked, a calmness in her demeanour that surprised B'Elanna as much as Tom's stress terrified.

"Hit by... something. Life support is failing. Our antimatter storage is minutes away from rupturing."

"B'Elanna?" The Captain turned to her, and she shook her head, looking down at her console a second, reading the updates that were coming through the engineering channel.

"I'm trying Captain, hang on flyboy." She called, looking up at the viewscreen for just a second. Long enough to catch his eyes through the screen and see the stress lines there.

"As long as I can Bee. You know that" She smiled a little at their private joke and the ghost of a smile on his face, they just spurred her on to work faster, correct the malfunctions faster. Try and fix what she could. There was only so much she could do on the bridge though.

She watched the escalating crisis outside the ship. She could do absolutely nothing more to help either. She could hear his voice getting progressively louder, progressively more stressed, and then everything changed, and she realised that he knew there was no way out.

"Where are the damn transporters?" She snapped both across the bridge and into the open link she had with engineering. She knew that they wouldn't be up in time, but she had to try. She had to do something. She couldn't just let the disaster happen.

"Still non-functioning Commander." Came the response from the ops position at the front of the bridge, and she heard her own growl at the same time as she heard an alarm.

"We need them up no-" She was stopped in her words as a flash filled the bridge, and the comm feeds went suspiciously silent. She just stared as the glare faded into the remains of the shuttle that had been battling its damage. While others on the bridge started the scans to see if there were any survivors she just stayed still, staring at the screen. She already knew the hard truth. He was gone, as were the other members of the shuttle crew.

She was unaware of the Captain walking over to her until there was a hand on her shoulder and a sympathetic gaze. She shook her head and tried not to think about what she had just witnessed, the hole that had just been ripped into her.

"B'Elanna." The words were softly spoken, compassionately, from the voice of someone who had clearly lost a lot in her life. B'Elanna shook her head and started pressing on the console, even though she could see her hand shaking, a visual representation of the shock she was currently feeling.

"I need to make sure things are getting fixed. I need to..." She started before her voice caught. She didn't want to accept what had happened, and if she kept working, she wouldn't need to think about the fact she would never feel his touch again.

"You need to go and be with your children." The captain placed her hand over B'Elanna's, stopping the engineer from hitting any more contacts, from observing any more of the readings the documented her husband's death. The moment she looked away from the console she felt her composure beginning to slide.

"Captain, I-" she started, and the captain just silenced her with a raised hand, a gesture she appeared to have picked up from B'Elanna's previous CO. Kira shook her head and indicated the turbolift with her hand.

"Go, B'Elanna."

"Could you ask Ez to-" The words caught in her throat, and she didn't know how to say what she needed to say. What she needed help saying.

"I'll get her to come and check in with you in a little while." B'Elanna nodded and took a few steps before almost falling, the weight of the universe suddenly seeming to settle on her shoulders. She steadied herself and nodded to a crewman who had made a move to assist her. She made it to the turbolift, and suddenly sank to her knees.

"Computer halt." She called, the last few hours settling on her. The sudden shuddering halt to the ship. The discovery of the anomalies in the region. The distress call from the shuttle. Moving as quickly as they could to the shuttle. The call from engineering that systems were failing. Battling with the systems on the bridge to try and get everything online again. Then Tom's voice. His voice in those last few moments of his life would haunt her dreams for as long as she lived.

"B'Elanna. Are you considering decorating your quarters that colour?" A voice broke her from her reverie, and she realised she had no idea how long she'd been sat in the turbolift, but the automatic restart had kicked in, and she found herself looking up into the face of the ships' counsellor.

"What?" She asked, confused and surprised at the sudden interruption, but glad, at least, that it was Ezri, not some junior officer or worse, one of the civilian members of the ship. Ezri took a few steps into the turbolift and allowed the doors to shut behind her before replying to B'Elanna again.

"You were staring at the wall." She asked, and B'Elanna realised that's all she'd been doing since she'd left the bridge. But she hadn't seen the wall, she'd seen Tom's face flashing before her eyes, memories of everything they'd done in their 10 years together. She'd been in love with him since she was 24 years old, and she wasn't sure if that would ever change.

"I asked the computer not to move." She complained, even as the Trill slid to the floor beside her and looked at the same point in the wall, then looked to B'Elanna.

"Well, it just opened here. Where are you going?"

"Children's centre." She said, and the turbolift started moving again, she continued staring at the wall until Ezri spoke again, holding an arm out for B'Elanna.

"You might want to stand up."

"I don't know if I can." B'Elanna felt Ezri's eyes on her, the woman might not be that much shorter than her, but B'Elanna couldn't imagine her lifting her, she struggled to her feet and wiped her face, suddenly realising she had been crying. At the concerned look Ezri shot her she shook her head, looking straight ahead as she pulled herself to her feet. "I'm alright. I need to focus on Miral and Owen"

"Kira said you wanted me to help."

"I don't know what to tell them Ez." B'Elanna admitted, stepping out of the turbolift and stopping so she could gather herself before she saw them. She dreaded seeing them, but she also needed them with her right now. "I don't know how to tell them that he's not going to come home."

"Tell them the truth." Ezri said simply, standing on the opposite side of the corridor to her, frowning a little as B'Elanna grimaced at the thought.

"They're babies."

"They'll know Tom's not come back, you know you need to tell them. When Jobin died, that was Audrid's husband, she didn't know how to tell their children. They were a little older than Miral and Owen though. She was just honest and eventually they understood."

"I'm never the one that does this. Tom's always the one." She stopped herself, and looked at her feet, feeling the leaden ball that had formed in her chest fall to her stomach as she thought of him. "Was always the one."

"You'll say what feels right, and they will be the right words."

"How can you be so sure?" B'Elanna almost demanded, her words harsh even to her own ears, and she was so tired already, emotionally exhausted and just wanting to lay down with her children and sleep, and wake in the morning and find it had all been a nightmare. Ezri reached out and rubbed her arm.

"Because you're a mother, and a good one at that, you know what Miral needs to hear." They stopped outside the door to the children's centre, and she stopped a moment to compose herself, and the minute she stepped through the door Miral ran up to her with her picture and a smile on her face. Even as they handed Owen to her with as little words were exchanged, and just sympathetic looks given. B'Elanna turned, guiding Miral out and allowing the little girl a few more minutes to be happy about her day, about the picture she'd drawn, because she was about to lose that innocence.


	2. Chapter 2

**As usual, thanks to all my awesome friends (and readers) who have read, followed and reviewed my stories lately. I'm really sorry that there is so little Voyager going on, apparently, my muse has decided to expand on Jonathan and Erika from Enterprise. So hopefully, I'll be back writing more Voyager than this soon. Second chapter here, dedicated to the fabulous Alpha Flyer, who just started posting her latest Voyager story too. Love you babe! Sorry I've not thought of a reset point...!**

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She had managed to keep herself together walking back to their quarters, she had been glad they hadn't passed anyone, she didn't want to deal with condolences before she'd told Miral that her daddy wouldn't be coming home. That she would never get her special bedtime story and tucked in by her father again.

"Hey, Mir, don't run off." B'Elanna said as she walked through the door and the 6 year old took off towards her bedroom. B'Elanna motioned for Ezri to come in too. When she sat on the sofa, their quarters still filled with toys strewn across the floor from this morning, when Tom had talked to Miral as she got ready for school, and told her he'd see her soon. She handed Owen to Ezri and patted her knee. "Come here Mir, I need to talk to you."

"Whatever it is, I didn't do it." Miral stated defensively, giving her almost the exact look Tom would give when she suspected him of doing something he shouldn't have been. The lump in her throat seemed to grow with the innocence of the statement, and as Miral climbed on her knee she had to fight back both her tears and her anger at the universe.

"Not that kind of talk, Mir. Something happened to daddy." She started, and waited until Miral was settled on her knee, then suddenly the words were no longer there, she just stroked her daughter's hair for a moment, even as the girls bright blue eyes turned back to her.

"What?" She almost demanded, more than a touch of B'Elanna's own impatience thrown back at her.

"There was an accident, Miral." Ezri supplied when it became clear B'Elanna's couldn't say anything. The few seconds gave her the break she needed to compose herself again.

"Mir, daddy died. Daddy's gone to Sto'vo'Kor. With Granddad and Grandpa John."

"But daddy wasn't old?" Miral asked, looking between her mother and Ezri. B'Elanna wasn't sure if she could grasp what she was being told, she just stroked her hair again and tried not to grimace as she thought what to say next.

"No, but he was in the accident that Ezri mentioned, and everyone tried to help daddy and his crew, and to make sure they were OK." She tried to explain as simply as possible the thing that she would always regret, something that she was sure would play on her mind when she was awake, and sit in her subconscious when she was asleep. She looked up to Ezri who just nodded, bouncing Owen on her lap. "We couldn't help them, and daddy died. Mir. He's not coming home."

"Can I go play now?" B'Elanna just looked at Miral with a mixture of confused and pain as she slid off her knee and went to her toys. B'Elanna looked up to Ezri, who just shrugged, and handed Owen back to her, and sat back, watching Miral play for a few minutes until she turned back to B'Elanna "Mommy. Are we still a family if daddy isn't here anymore?"

"Mir, daddy is still here. He is in our hearts, and he will be watching us from Sto'vo'Kor, and helping us live good, happy lives." She remembered the same thing her father had told her once, when her grandfather had died when she'd been small, smaller than Miral, and it had helped her come to terms with the fact she'd never see him again, and all she could do was hope that it would help Miral too, in the long run.

"So, he's not going to be here living with us. But he still loves us?" She asked, and the question broke B'Elanna's wall, she just looked at Miral and held onto Owen, her heart breaking a little more for them both.

"Miral, I've known your dad and your mom a long time. They would never stop loving you, ever." Ezri said, reaching out a hand and placing it on B'Elanna's knee.

"Thanks Ezzie." Miral smiled and went back to playing.

"Do you need anything?"

"No, I think we'll just have dinner and then maybe try and" She thought a minute, and didn't know what she was going to do, what she was meant to do. "Put the kids to bed, contact Tom's mom, the Admiral, Harry." She trailed off, thinking of all the people she'd need to tell, all their friends and the family they had created in the Delta Quadrant.

"If you want me or the Captain to take Tom's mom, we can?"

"No, I should do it. We've been married seven years." B'Elanna smiled sadly as Ezri stood up and walk across the room to the doorway. B'Elanna sat Owen in his chair and began cleaning up the mess around her, for some reason deciding that trying to keep things as normal as she possibly could would change the events of the day. After Ezri left she tried to keep things as normal as she could. Helping Miral with her homework, putting Owen to bed. She spoke to Tom's mom, who had broken down more than B'Elanna herself had, and had promised to let the rest of the family know, so B'Elanna wouldn't have to contact so many people. She put off contacting Harry and Kathryn, wanting to pretend for one more night that nothing was wrong.

But she knew something fundamental had changed in her life, and as soon as Miral had gone to sleep, she sat down at the companel in their quarters and she knew it would be waiting for her. They had both made them, and encoded goodbye messages to be sent when they were officially declared dead. She had hoped she'd never hear his words to her. She'd gotten her wish of him never hearing hers. As she pressed the contact she looked at the face she had known for so long. The face she had woken up with for so much of her adult life. She studied him for a moment, memorising every line on his face, every dimple, every perfect imperfection. She felt her tears even before she set the message to play, she wasn't sure if she was ready to see what would be his last words.

"_Well, if you're seeing this I guess you owe me a big '_I told you so'_ because it means you were right all along. We should have stayed on Earth. You can't tell me you haven't had fun out here though._" He paused for a moment and smiled, shaking his head. "_Marrying you was, and still is, the best decision I ever made. You're my par'mach'kai, B'Elanna, and I will love you forever. Miral is going to be such a smart girl, and she will be just like you, in every way. She is so perfect, everything I ever hoped for, and she'll make us proud, I know that._" He trailed off and shook his head again. "_I wish I'd gotten to know Owen more. I wish I'd gotten to see him grow up. I wish I'd gotten to see their wedding days, their children. Everything._" He stopped again and looked off camera, for a second, then focused again. "_I've left some recordings for the kids too. For their big days, so they know that dad is watching out for them._" He sighed and smiled at the screen. "_I love you, B'Elanna. You made my life worth living, and showed me that my past wasn't a reason I shouldn't hope for a better future. Live that future for both of us, OK. Tell the kids I love them._" His face took on another pained smile as he leant forward and whispered a few last words. "_I'm so sorry I didn't come home._"

At his last words, her tears streamed down her face and all the emotions she had been holding controlled fell out of her, she saved the message, knowing she would watch it again, and crawled to their bed. Still able to smell him on the bedclothes, on the pillows. She just laid there, smelling him, the tears falling down her face unabated and uncontrollable. She needed to stay strong, she couldn't let her self-destructive reaction to loss take her over this time.

As she laid there she thought about her choices, until she felt a little body climb into the bed next to her and then under her arm. Miral snuggled up against her mother and B'Elanna tried to steady her breathing, glad that the room was dark.

"Mommy, I can't sleep." Miral whispered a few minutes later, and rolled over in the bed, her small hands coming up on either side of B'Elanna's face in a gesture she had used since she was a baby.

"Neither can I." B'Elanna admitted, wrapping her arms tighter and trying to sound happier than she felt. Putting on a strong front for her daughter.

"Why are you crying?" Miral asked a few minutes later as she wiped the tears away on her cheeks. She then settled against B'Elanna's chest. She had never been more grateful for the solid weight of her daughter, reminding her of all of the best she and Tom had done together.

"Because I miss daddy." She whispered a few minutes later, once Miral's breathing had evened out on her chest. She kissed the top of the little girl's head and tried to settle. Just wishing that she had had one more minute, one more chance to tell Tom how much she loved him, because now she would never get the chance.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: All Alone I  
Summary: She hadn't wanted them out there, but she had gone to make him happy. When the unthinkable happens she has to decide what is best for them.**

**This should be the last update for today (Tomorrow I'll post new story). This story only has one more chapter written, but I'm not discounting the possibility of continuing it again when I'm out of my Enterprise phase. I always go back to Voyager eventually. **

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The morning had dawned exactly as she'd thought it would. With a slow disbelief that the day before hadn't been a nightmare. She had gotten Miral and Owen ready as if it was any other day. She felt like she was walking in a trance. She had been present at plenty of meetings with the Captain after one of her engineers had been widowed, and she knew how it went. She knew though that it was time to settle down for her, she had options, and she was sure she knew which one she wanted. She'd been unsurprised that Kira had already known about her desire to return to Earth,

"The Academy still want you." Kira confirmed a few minutes after her arrival, after the uncomfortable platitudes and questions about how the kids were handling the news. Both of which she had brushed off, not wanting to focus on how she was coping, not wanting to focus on the fact that they had to adjust to this tragedy. All she wanted now was to know that she could return to Earth, hoping that she could care for them away from Starfleet.

"Will you approve my transfer?" She asked, and realised exactly how tired she sounded.

"Why are you leaving?" Ezri burst out with, clearly wanting to know why she had decided to leave the ship that over the last 3 years had become her home, and the crew had become her family.

"I didn't want to be on a ship anyway, but Tom... It was Tom's passion. Being out here. I wanted to bring the kids up on Earth, but I agreed to come out here. Now, I don't want to risk anything, not with Miral and Owen depending on me."

"Bee, maybe you should-"

B'Elanna cut off as gently as she could. She didn't know how to explain that it was something they had been planning on doing regardless. "No, Ezri. This was something Tom and I discussed, and I made my decision a long time ago. We were going to put in for a transfer back to Earth before Miral's next birthday regardless. I've been out in space for 15 years, it's time for me to focus on what's best for them."

"Where will you go on Earth?" Kira asked, seeming to understand that B'Elanna had made her mind up, and no amount of talking could convince her otherwise. It was the refreshing thing about her. Kira was straight down the line, and expected her crew to be the same.

"I can stay with Tom's mother, or with Kathryn, until I can find somewhere for me and the children."

"You're sure about this?" Ezri asked, taking a step closer to B'Elanna, who reached out and squeezed her friend's hand. Hoping that they knew this wasn't the end, it was a new beginning and a chance for B'Elanna to run, just for a moment, and teach and raise her children. Something she'd never expected to want.

"I'm certain. This is best for my family, and that's what I need to put first now."

"B'Elanna, it really has been my honour serving with you, and with Tom. You're both outstanding officers, and good friends." Kira said, holding her hand out, and B'Elanna knew that she would be missed by the crew, as would Tom, but she couldn't stay here, not now, and she wasn't sure if she'd ever serve aboard a ship again. The painful memories being too much right now.

"Thank you, Kira, it's been an honour and a privilege." She meant it, and smiled as she took a few steps away before walking out the door. She didn't even think as she traced the familiar route to their quarters, she needed to contact Kathryn while Miral was in school, so that she could talk in private. She slid in front of the terminal on her desk and turned the interface on. "Computer, put me through to Admiral Kathryn Janeway, Starfleet Command. Priority red." She used the high priority command so she knew she would get directly through to her friend and former CO. Within minutes Janeway's visage filled the screen.

"B'Elanna, why the red priority?" Kathryn asked, and instantly B'Elanna's shield broke, and she couldn't stop herself from sobbing. The concern in Kathryn's face when B'Elanna next looked to the screen spoke volumes about how long B'Elanna had just sat in front of the screen, allowing her emotions to escape, feeling safe allowing the other woman to witness it.

"Tom's dead" she croaked, her voice sounding raw and broken. She wiped her face as the shock registered on Kathryn's face. She watched the admiral go from fully composed to pained to controlled grief in the space of thirty seconds, and B'Elanna knew she'd made the right decision in who to call.

"What? When?"

"Yesterday. I didn't want to have to explain to everyone last night, not after telling Miral, and I doubt that it will have cleared through channels yet." B'Elanna shrugged a little, both sorry and not that she hadn't contacted anyone earlier.

"No, it hasn't. How are you?" Kathryn asked, the compassion in her voice coming through, and her eyes inviting B'Elanna to talk truthfully about how she felt. The problem was, she didn't know herself. She was fluctuating between depressed and numb, and she wasn't certain which she preferred.

"I don't know."

"Are you still coming home?" Kathryn clearly sensed the confusion and discomfort and deftly changed the subject to the very thing she and Tom had last contacted Kathryn about. Getting positions back on Earth.

"Kira should be sending my transfer in now. I'm taking that teaching post at the Academy that I keep being offered." B'Elanna spat, and as the words left her lips she realised how bitter she suddenly sounded, and shook her head, resting it on one closed fist.

"B'Elanna..." Kathryn probed, her voice as full of concern as B'Elanna had ever heard it, she sat up, and thought, suddenly pulling herself from the melancholy that had been settling on her. She nodded, knowing what she needed to do.

"Can you help me let everyone else know?"

"Let me deal with it."

"I'll tell Harry. After his mission." She worried about Harry, the things he did now were dangerous enough without him getting messages from home with bad news. He was due back in Federation space at the end of the week, and when she knew he was back she'd contact him, and she knew that nobody else would try until she gave the OK. She had sent the encoded transmission to him already, telling him that when he was back in Starfleet controlled space he should contact her before anyone else. Janeway could tell him while he was away, but B'Elanna didn't think that was the best thing to do, not in this case, and she knew that Kathryn wouldn't do anything B'Elanna asked her not to.

"Are you sure?"

"He's our best friend, I think I should."

"How is Miral coping?" Kathryn changed gears again, to the one thing B'Elanna wanted to talk about, but wasn't sure she had the words. She was worried about Miral, and how she was understanding the news, but she didn't know how to say anything without sounding overprotective. She guessed that in reality B'Elanna herself wasn't dealing with the news in the best way, but she had reasons to focus, and she wanted to make sure Miral was alright before she allowed herself to grieve.

"I don't think it's sunk in for her yet, she's still so young. Maybe at the memorial tomorrow."

"Be strong B'Elanna, Tom would want that." Kathryn smiled sadly, and B'Elanna felt the warmth in the woman's gaze across the lightyears that separated them.

"Thanks Kathryn, I'll see you soon." B'Elanna signed off and ticked another unpleasant job off the seemingly unending list she had in her mind, especially when all she wanted to do was sleep in the bed that still smelt like Tom and hold Miral and Owen until it didn't hurt any more. Unlike the last time she'd lost someone, the only person she could be angry with was herself, and that was a fight for another time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Title: All Alone I  
Summary: She hadn't wanted them out there, but she had gone to make him happy. When the unthinkable happens she has to decide what is best for them.**

**I decided to finish this tonight (for now at least) so that a certain lovely reviewer can get her tears out all at once. *hugs***

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The halls were almost suspiciously quiet, but that was why she had waited so late to set out to the memorial. She had put Miral in her best clothes, and tried to clean Owen up as best she could. They raced through the halls. Miral skipping a little ahead of her until they got to the turbolift where she looked up to B'Elanna with a strange look on her face, one that B'Elanna couldn't quite read. "Mommy, where are we going?"

"We're going to a memorial for daddy." She said, hoisting Owen a little higher on her hip, smiling a little as he blew a raspberry on the side of her face. "Cargo bay"

"Because he died?" Miral asked, the childlike wonder still in her voice, as they stopped outside the door, letting some others pass them into the cargo bay, she knelt down and straightened Miral's collar, using the action to stall for time.

"Yeah because he died, remember, like grandpa John's funeral?"

"I remember" she said as they finally walked into the bay, and she was glad Miral was still too small to see much through people.

"Quiet now." B'Elanna whispered as she moved to the front of the bay, where all the senior officers were standing, and looked at the holoimages of the four officers who had lost their lives. As soon as Miral saw Tom's picture she ran up to it, placing her hand on its cheek.

"I love you daddy" She said, and the whisper carried through the silent gathering of officers. B'Elanna felt torn between getting her daughter and not going near the image, not wanting the reminder that he was gone and this was how they'd say goodbye publically. "Come home, daddy, please. Come home" she begged to the picture, and B'Elanna felt as if she was paralysed watching her daughter's distress.

"Here, B'Elanna, go get her." Julian said, taking Owen out of her arms as he sidled beside her, giving her the nudge she needed. She walked forward and bent down beside Miral, turning her away from the image and wiping the tears from her eyes. Miral's electric blue eyes met hers for a minute before she wrapped her arms around B'Elanna's neck. In the quiet of the bay her wails were the only sounds that could be heard until the Captain stepped forward.

"Today we gather to honour the sacrifice and dedication of four of our officers. Commander Thomas Eugene Paris" Kira was forced to stop as Miral's wails grew louder hearing her fathers' name, B'Elanna held her closer to her, allowing her to bury her head in the crook of her neck. Where she was content to mumble quietly. "Lieutenant Ardir. Lieutenant Maria Kandel and Ensign Mia Leish." Kira took a deep breath. "Each of these officers leave behind people. Family, friends. People they loved and cared about. They each touched our hearts and minds." B'Elanna listened as Kira slowly mentioned things that had been said about the shuttle crew, none of it really sinking into her mind. She wasn't sure she wanted to know what others on the crew had thought about Tom. "Commander Paris, of course, has been our First officer for almost two years, and while his absence will be felt through the ship, our thoughts and prayers go to Commander Torres, and their children, Miral and Owen." She continued on, but B'Elanna tried to block anything out. Biting her lip even as she felt Julian's hand on her shoulder. Just giving her that one moment of comfort before Kira ended her shipwide address "We commend them to the depths of space, may they walk with the prophets."

B'Elanna felt the pats on her back as the crew who had gathered began to file out, she put Miral back on the floor, her shoulder wet from the tears, and she watched as Miral walked back up to the holo of Tom. "Julian, could you watch Owen for a while. I think I'd best sit with Miral a while."

"Sure, we'll be in sickbay when you're done." B'Elanna smiled after them, giving Owen a little wave, then she sat down on the floor, watching as Miral just looked at the holo of Tom. It broke her heart to see her little girl in so much pain, finally realising what had happened, hitting the realisation that he really wasn't going to some home. After a few minutes Miral came and sat on B'Elanna's crossed legs, and B'Elanna reached round, wrapping her arms around her daughter.

"Are you ready to say goodbye to daddy?"

"Do I have too?" Miral asked almost silently, and B'Elanna noticed she had her hands over her eyes, ever so gently, B'Elanna pried her hands away and wrapped them within her own. Wondering how she knew what to do here. But knowing she needed to let Miral have this time.

"Not yet. We can stay here until you want to."

"I don't want to not have a daddy."

"You still have a daddy Mir, he just lives in Sto'vo'Kor, with all the other warriors." Her voice caught in her throat as she spoke, the truth was so much harder to say than anything else. How she would have loved to lie to Miral, to tell her that Tom was on a mission, and let her think about her daddy for a while longer, she wished she could have kept the innocence of childhood, but B'Elanna had learnt at exactly the same age that family wasn't forever. John Torres had left his daughter by choice, while Tom Paris had been stolen away from his, and B'Elanna still partly blamed herself for that.

"Mommy, are you going to die too?"

"No kiddo." She would have laughed at the question if it hadn't broken her heart into a million pieces. She kissed Miral's cheek as they both looked at Tom's picture. B'Elanna felt her tears falling again even as she fought to hold them in. After a few seconds of silence she carried on. "We're going to go and live on Earth, where we're safe, and live near grandma and aunt Kathy."

"Will daddy find us there, so he can watch us from Sto'vo'Kor?"

"He'll follow us." B'Elanna replied. She had had enough experiences with the afterlife to truly believe what she told Miral. She was certain that Tom could find them, no matter where they were. No matter what they did.

"You promise." Miral asked in a quiet voice, leaning back against her.

"Promise, promise." B'Elanna whispered, again just sitting and looking at Tom's photo. Wondering what he'd be thinking now, watching his girls as they each contemplated what their lives were without him.

"Goodbye daddy" Miral whispered a while later, after they'd been sat for a while. "I love you mommy." She turned round in B'Elanna's lap and wrapped her tiny arms around her.

"I love you too Mir." She whispered into the mane of hair that was in her face. She slowly stood herself up, lifting Miral into her arms and doing one last stop at the holo. She reached out her fingers, imagining she was stroking Tom's cheek for the last time, before turning and heading out of the cargo bay, all the while whispering calming words into Miral's ear. She walked to sickbay, unsurprised that by the time she got there Miral had fallen asleep on her shoulder, she laid her on a biobed before looking for Julian.

"How was he?" she asked, her eyes finally falling on Julian and Owen on the floor of his office. She looked out at the sleeping Miral before sitting down on the floor and smiling as Owen crawled over to her, climbing into her lap.

"Fine, fell asleep when we got here, has been awake about 10 minutes." B'Elanna watched him pull himself up on the front of her uniform.

"Hey, when did you learn that trick. I bet that was something your daddy taught you" She whispered in Owen's ear as she held him steady, grimacing slightly as he pulled on her hair. While she pulled his hands out of her hair she looked back up to Julian. "Miral's asleep on one of the biobeds."

"How are you coping, B'Elanna?" He asked, and B'Elanna felt truly touched by the concern that everyone was showing her, but she wasn't sure if that was what she needed. She wasn't the girl she'd been when the Maquis had died, and she had two other depending on her this time.

"I'm trying to ignore it. Pretend he's on a mission. I was doing well until the service." She admitted, sitting Owen on her knee, of the two, Owen looked more like Tom, only his ridges gave him away. While Miral looked more like her, with Tom's eyes. She would always remember those eyes, because they would always be looking back at her.

"If you want to talk, I'm here." Julian offered with a sympathetic smile.

"Thanks Julian, I need to go and pack though."

"Pack?"

"Ezri and Kira didn't tell you. We're leaving when we get to DS4. Tom and I were planning on going back to Earth, and with this happening, I decided to step it up. Take the teaching job the Academy has been offering me and bring Miral and Owen up planetside." She explained. In the time on the ship, Julian had quickly become one of her closest friends, but she wanted to be near their family. Near the members of Voyager's crew who could help her heal. Help her ensure they remembered Tom the way he was.

"Are you sure that's for the best?"

"Tom and I agreed it was, we both requested a transfer last month, but were keeping it quiet, just us and Kira. I can't stay, Julian."

"I understand, I'm just going to miss you." Julian said honestly, and she smiled a little at him, holding Owen tightly in her arms as he tugged on her hair again. After another few minutes she knew it was best to collect Miral and head back to their quarters. She still had much to do before they arrived at the station, including pack away all of her memories, so that she could move on.


End file.
